dating in the animal world

It seems I'm suffering another episode of the can't sleep crazies so I've decided to come on down and share more disturbing events from my life with some of my closest friends and strangers.

I don't have much luck in the dating world, partially because I can be sickeningly shy around new people and partially because I have a knack for ignoring that little itch at the bottom of my spine that is either trying to tell me -hey, you're about to do something you never want to share with another human being- or -hey, something is wrong here DANGER MICHELE ROBINSON DANGER, do not go out with this person-. I've always had that knack, so even though I'm focusing on my move to NEPA for this event, please don't think that means my dating life was normal prior to this night.

I moved to the Wilkes Barre area nearly 8 years ago now. Maybe 7. I guess it doesn't matter much when you discover you've moved to an area with a cancer rate something like 17,000 percent higher than the rest of the state. I say a party is a party, you bring the vodka, I'll bring the radiation.

Shortly after I moved here I met a man (this is a term I use simply because he was in human form and had a voice deeper than that of the average female but I do still have my doubts). I wasn't especially attracted to this man in the physical sense, his lips were too big (think Steven Tyler crossed with Grape Ape), he somehow seemed, umm, droopy and he had an odd bob when he walked (something like what I imagine to be the gait of the spawn of a penguin and a flamingo...don't tell you YOU have NEVER imagined what that baby would look like or more importantly walk like). Physical aspects aside, he seemed to be a nice man...he was able to have a conversation, he was funny, and he read books for fun, so I thought we could at least establish a friendship.

I thought we were well on our way to doing just that when he asked if I wanted to go see his friends band one night. I hadn't been out since I moved here, so I jumped all over it. He picked me up and off to the bar we went without incident. As the night progressed, I was so sure we were well on our way to friendship...he introduced me to his friend, the drummer of the band, and he (the 'man) was all over two other women. The drummer and I hit it off quite well and he gave me his number between one of the breaks and we made plans for dinner. I was having a great night!!

But as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Those famous words "LAST CALL" rang out strong and true and the 'man' (whose name I can't remember because I nicknamed him so long ago his real name just kinda slipped away...sadly, I can't share the nickname with you yet, as that might be too telling of what is to come) came back over and told me he was going to start the car to warm it up (it was a cold March night). While he was doing that, the band wrapped up and I chatted with his friend a bit longer.

Finally it came time to kick everyone out and I headed out with the "man". We sat in the car and talked for a bit, about his friend, my move, and other trivial shit that he apparently thought was an invitation to try to attempt to put parts of his anatomy in mine. While I was in the middle of saying something he sort of dove across the car at me like a clumsy missile might dive at a target and suddenly his really, really big lips were on my face. People, what he did to me could never be considered a kiss...it was this weird thing that placed one of his lips between my upper lip and my nose (and his lips were big enough to block oxygen flow to my nostrils) and his lower lip landed in that dip between my lower lip and my chin; once that was arrangement was in place he proceeded to suck on my face while he plunged his tongue in and out of my face much in the way I imagine a plunger would work on a toilet if of course the plunger had a tongue and the toilet a pliable orifice. I was stuck somewhere between shock and disturbed and froze. I think it probably took me near a minute to figure out just what was happening and why I suddenly couldn't breathe. As I searched my mind for the reality I quickly figured out this wasn't chemistry or anticipation, it was something just shy of horror and was finally able to move again and I pushed him off of me. He backed off long enough for me to blink my eyes and gasp for breathe and then to determine that surely I was just playing hard to get and dove back across the seat, only this time he attached himself to the side of my face in much the same fashion he had attached himself to my chin and nostrils. I didn't have much time to freeze or to be shocked by that this time around because he almost immediately snorted like a wild hog in my ear. I reacted to that by jumping back and smacking my head off of the car window and he looked at me as sincere as could be and said "what?, there ain't nothin' wrong with a little bit of snortin'" (yes, that is an exact quote, it is scarred into my memory no less than if I had been branded with those words). I was almost too stunned to say or do anything but I said, actually I think I screeched, MAYBE IF YOU WERE RAISED ON A BARN! and jumped out of the car.

I walked home that night terrified I might be accosted by a pig or a cow or maybe a crazed chicken. Seven miles I walked that night because I only knew the way he drove to take me there. I found out a few months later I could have turned and walked over a bridge and home was only one mile away.

Of course, I never took a call from The Snorter again, and never did call his friend for that date for fear I might see him again.That should be the end, right? Well of course it should be the end, but this is me we're talking about kids. We all know that wasn't the end.

Time had passed and The Snorters calls became more and more infrequent, so when two months or so later I got a call from a local number I didn't recognize, I answered it to discover that it was the girlfriend of The Snorter (oddly, I remember her name) and she informed me they were together when we 'went out' and they had an argument and he blah blah blah and they were talking about me and how much he liked me and she wanted to know if I'd like to have a threesome with them. I was sure I must have misunderstood and asked her to repeat herself and when she did I couldn't think of anything to say so I asked "do you really get turned on by barnyard noises?" and suggested they might consider couples therapy.She never asked again.

I was traumatized and didn't date for the next few months I lived here.

The really sad part of all of this is that this isn't the first encounter I've walked home from. Two previous dates put me in a situation that I've either snuck away and walked home or he flipped and left me 40 miles from home without a car but those are stories for another night. Third time really is a charm I guess. I don't go on anymore first anythings without my own transportation.

Here's my challenge to you: I want each of you to grab your arm or a small juice glass and wrap your lips around it and start sucking...oh yeah...just like that...now, while you are still sucking start plunging your tongue in and out of your chosen object. It seems to defy the laws of physics to me...once I stopped having nightmares I got curious about how he did that because it just didn't seem it should be possible. I never have mastered the technique.