Somebody once said to me, "but you
aren't falling for a line like that, are ya?" in regards to a
comment I made in reference to being very happy for a couple who had
just become engaged. Which led to a discussion about my cluelessness
about people being interested in me and my hesitation about jumping
into relationships too quickly. He wasn't quite as pleasant in his
words, but I can't say he was nasty, either.
At the time, I didn't realize how, by
asking him what he meant by his comment, the course of our friendship
would so drastically change...which I suppose lends further proof to
my cluelessness. He began pointing out time after time that he
thought he was being pretty apparent about the fact that he had a
thing for me, and each of those times—including offering to let me
shower and get ready for work at his place because my water was out
and offering to go out for a few drinks because I was having a bad
day amongst other things—I honestly thought he was just being a
nice person because those are things that I would do for my friends.
On top of that, he was married. Had I realized he was hitting on me,
I likely would have kicked him in the balls because this was
happening during the hell I was going through in trying to get rid of
my ex who had been maintaining an out of state marriage the entire
time we were together. Yes, at that point, a married man hitting on
me would have ended our friendship. Sure, he had mentioned divorce a
few times, but I tend to figure it's bullshit if you haven't done it
after a few months...man or woman. Given the state I was in at that
point, I probably wouldn't have believed anyone who was telling me
they were getting a divorce without the papers sitting there in front
of me.
“But you aren't falling for a line
like that.” I let my romantic life be criticized by a man who was
hitting on me while he was still sleeping with his wife. Better
still, the man thought it was okay to criticize me about my romantic
life knowing that he had hit on me while he was still sleeping with
his wife. Whether I knew it or not, he did. More than anything else,
for me today, that's what defines the person he is, and is the reason
we are no longer friends.
Since then, his words have come back to
haunt me a number of times. I'm nearly certain he didn't realize they
would be so powerful; knowing what I know now, I'm almost positive he
was simply trying to make me feel like an asshole because I didn't go
out with him. Never mind that he was married. (That makes me wonder
how many dumdum women are out there that don't learn the first
time...granted, I didn't know the man who turned me into a bad
lifetime movie was married when we got involved, but, I did know
eventually, and am smart enough to not do it again believe it or
not.) Never mind that he was crawling into bed with her each night.
I hurt his ego because I took for granted that he was a decent human
being.
“But you aren't falling for a line
like that.” Am I really that harsh in my opinions about men? Am I
too quick to judge? Are my expectations too high or too low?
I tend to share the more bizarre of my
experiences (some might call them dates, but I honestly don't think
'date' truly gives the proper credit to what these events were), but
am pretty private about my relationships...even when people think I'm
the bad guy in the end. There are very few people who are unlucky
enough to get all of the gory details.
Am I harsh and quick to judge? Maybe.
But I think I've earned that right. In almost all of my long term
relationships, there has been a horrible something...a married guy
making babies with other other
women, a drunk living off of his mother, a gambler who thought it
would be okay to take me to the casino for my birthday to get the
free stuff they offer, someone who beat me, and someone who was
probably on the verge. Yes, there were a couple of good guys in
there, but don't tell them that now. Ha.
On the bizarre side, and what I've
already shared with so many, I've encountered a man who snorted at me
thinking it would turn me on, had Austin Powers quoted to me all
night and was left while he called his ex, had my hand grabbed and
wrapped around his man junk, had someone pee themselves, someone tell
me they were stalking me, etc, etc. This could go on and on and on
because so many of them were one date wonders. Did they deserve to be
judged harshly? I think so.
There have been people who've scared me
off before we even met. One guy who told me he and his ex (the mother
of his child) split up because she caused a huge problem after he
told her that if she wasn't home from her friends house in ten
minutes he was taking their son and leaving. He threatened to kidnap
their child and was mad at her because she called the police. He was
mad at me when I told him I didn't want to get involved with a person
who could do that. I'm nearly positive he would have kidnapped one of
my dogs had he known where I lived. Another guy flipped out and
called me every name in the book because I uploaded photos to
facebook, from a bar, with a band, but didn't answer his phone calls.
Any of the 24 calls. And we hadn't even met.
Then, just for shits 'n giggles,
there's the small group of men who take me out and blow me off for
weeks/months. This confuses me as much as anything because it has
happened more than once. This has happened to me more than just being
blown off completely by someone. One guy took me out for one of the
best dates I'd ever been on, called me twice after then I didn't hear
a peep from him for three weeks. When I did hear from him, it was by
text, and there was no 'I'm sorry' or anything of the sort. I asked
'why?' and he told me he was thinking about me and just being nice. I
didn't hear from him again after I responded that nice would have
been not letting me hang for three weeks.
“But you aren't falling for a line
like that.” I've seen so many people settle for less than they
deserve. They settle for being second best, or an afterthought, or a
punching bag, or a convenience, or being cheated on, lied to,
manipulated, controlled, and played. I've seen people air every
problem on Facebook and then wonder why no one likes their partner or
why no one wants to be bothered with their tales of woe. I've seen
relationship statuses change like most people change their underwear
and the couple them wonder why no one cares anymore or wonders how
they became a running joke. You are the people who fell for a line
like that.
Please don't misunderstand me...I don't
think a marriage proposal is a 'line', unless you fall into one of
the categories in the above paragraph. So, maybe to be correct I
should say that I don't think a marriage proposal should
be a line. As to the friends engagement that triggered this
conversation, they are still as happy as could be. But, the fact that
he could consider a proposal a line, even if to be a jackass, makes
me question the sincerity of anything that might cross his lips.
“But
you aren't falling for a line like that.” No. No, I'm not. And as
long as what I'm being handed feels like a line, I won't. And I will
be proud of that. I might go on a few hundred more first or second
dates or I might not. I might find 3 or more dates with the same guy
or I might find the guy who, six months down the line, will still
makes my every nerve kick into gear like Kevin Bacon on the set of
Footloose. One of those guys might be my guy. Or he might not. Though
I have to say, if someone comes along and makes Footloose things
happen with my body parts, he's my guy.
What I
am sure of is this...between now and the end of time, I will be
happy, sad, alone, and lonely. I will laugh, love, smile, cry and
mourn. I will be surrounded by love. I will love. One of these
days, that might include the man who's meant to come along and
complete my circle...with any luck we'll both be smart enough to
recognize it when it's there as has happened for so many already.
Until then though, I'm ok with the fact that I might judge harshly.
It just means that I've surrounded myself with the best of the best.
Should he happen
along, that surely means that he's going to be the best of the best
for me. I can wait and I can laugh about the insanity. I can cry
because I feel lonely some days. I can celebrate that I don't need a
person or status to complete me on other days. Until he comes along,
I won't tell everyone I found the man of my dreams because he made me
feel good for a few hours. I won't be 'in a relationship' and
'single' a few dozen times, in fact, though I've always been
faithful, as far as Facebook is concerned, I've never been anything
but single...if I'm going to tell the world about my relationship
it's going to be the one to end all. I won't waste my “I love
you's” on jerks who don't deserve them. I won't need other people
to tell me that it's good or that it's not. When it's right, I'll
know. When it happens, it will matter. When it happens, two people
will celebrate what we are.
“But
you won't fall for a line like that.” No. I won't. You shouldn't be surprised..
