In a time long ago, and a land far away, there was a sweet young maiden with a wonderful friend “Yuleleea”. Ok, I wasn't all that long ago, and it was only in the Chicken Coop, Wilkes Barre, and sweet, young, and maiden may not be an accurate description of yours truly, but the wonderful friend part holds true even after she kicked me violently out of her car and might have made me tinkle in my pants a little.
Edit:
A few years ago, Yuleleea and I were at the Chicken Coop getting our Friday night fun on. At this point, we had made a number of friends because it got to a point they may as well have labeled our bar stools Cinderella and Anastasia: Reserved: Friday's 6:00pm till close. For some reason my friend was determined to hook me up with this sweet boy who I thought of as the sweet boy because he LOOKED LIKE A BOY! A young boy. So young in fact that even though I knew he was in a bar drinking, I carded him myself at one point so that I could reassure myself I wasn't heading to the slammer for corrupting a minor by participating in the consumption of anything stronger than a Shirley Temple with him. Said boy was of age, and in fact only a couple of years younger than I was. But, that thought was there and I couldn't get it out of my head and it creeped me out any time he tried to hit on me. But he was nice. We got along. And he had a crazy woman head over heels in love with him who worked at the horse track and used to come into the bar smelling like she spent the day rolling around in horse shit, and washing her hair in urine. When I look back, I can't blame him for being so desperate to stay even closer to me when she was around.
Stinky horse lady took an immediate, intense hatred to me, I assume either because my sparkling personality was absolutely blinding, or her crazy adoration for Sweet Young Boy turned to bright red hatred for me because he was giving me the attention she so craved. Personally, I always thought she looked as if one of the horses just rejected her, so maybe she needed a Friday night don't reject me fix and never got it. Whatever it was, she made sure that e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e in the bar, myself included, knew exactly what she thought of me. She didn't think many good things. I usually ignored her because it really wasn't worth having a stroke over some guy who I considered a friend. There was one night in particular though that I started to feel incredibly nasty about it. I'm not sure if it was because I was sick of my throat closing up and throwing fits like an addict with his fix just out of reach when I would force it to open so I wouldn't pass out from oxygen deprivation every time she walked in the place, or if I just have limited tolerance for smelly woman with silly anger issues. I'd bet on the combination of the two. So, I decided to be an ass: every time she'd look my way, I'd smile big, or blow her a kiss, or wink...but her breaking point was when I gave him a hug and licked my lips while I looked her way. She had a minor temper tantrum and left the bar.
Our night out continued much like it usually did, we had a great time, but for a reason that I can't remember I had to leave early. I said my goodnights, Yuleleea decided to stay out for a bit longer, and I left.
As I approached my car though, the night took a horrible turn for the worse. Before I was even to my car, I saw black on my car—a big round spot with a trail falling down from it on my drivers side door. I lost my ever joyful composure and started screaming like a lunatic in the parking lot! The bitch spray painted my car! I stormed back into the bar and yelled across at everyone, “THAT BITCH SPRAYPAINTED MY CAR!” Yuleleea, Sweet Young Boy, the bar owner and approximately 8 or 9 of our friends came out, first to cool me down, second to see my car. Yuleleea went crazy again—not about theater lighting this time, but she wanted to know where the bitch lived, she had a plan to beat her into cleaning my car until no trace of spray paint remained. (She might have a temper, but she's damned loyal to her friends ;).)
While Sweet Young Boy was trying to keep us both calm, some of the others were walking around making sure their car, or other cars, hadn't been painted. For some reason, Yuleleea walked away and the path she chose was between my drivers side and the passengers side of the car next to me. I noticed that when she went by the spray paint, it disappeared. I cocked my head much like a confused puppy and walked over and rubbed my fingers over the spray paint. Suddenly the spray paint took on a form much like my fingers poking at a balloon on a string. I looked back at the car parked next to me and realized that on their antenna was one of those ridiculous decorative balls some people seem to like. I became completely unhinged and started laughing hysterically...slid down the side of the car until I was sitting in the parking lot, crying from laughing so hard, trying to tell the other ten people all wound up about the spray paint that it was only a shadow. Only, it was coming out something something like, “it gasp, gasp, gasp doooooooooowwwwwwww hahahahhaa.” It took a few attempts, but dear Yuleleea finally figured out I was saying shadow. She in turn lost it. Not quite as bad as did I, because she was at least understandable as she translated what I had been trying to say.
Honestly, you would have thought everyone had just found out that Santa wasn't real. The owner almost seemed giddy that he was going to have a reason to kick her out, the mechanic in love with Yuleleea had been ready to provide her a tire iron to get even with Stinky Horse Woman, and Sweet Young Boy was sure this was his 'in' with me. I finally pulled myself together and apologized to everyone for getting so excited and in turn thanked them all for not realizing it was spray paint as well. Deflated, they all headed back into the bar, I got into my un-spraypainted car, and drove home.
The morals of this story? Don't freak out and drop a person just because she kicks you out of her car the first time you go out together because she may well prove to be one of your greatest defenders. And don't blow kisses to Smelly Horse Women. It fucks with your head.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Meeting new friends. Michele style.
I'm about to share a disturbing insight into the ways I choose my friends. Some of you may be scared, some of you may understand, and some of you may think, “well, damn! That explains everything!” Once upon a time I was a young woman moving to a strange new city. I had moved for work, so I came to the Wilkes Barre area not knowing a soul. One of the first people I became friends with smacked my ass (at work) within the first few weeks of meeting (at work) then convinced me to go out drinking with her. (Okay, maybe “convinced” isn't the right word, it was probably something more like--'hey Michele, do you want to grab a drink this weekend?' followed by my jumping at her like a rabid dog screaming YESYESYESYES!) I could probably stop right there for some of you and that might be enough. But nope, I always take it one step further. Besides, she smacked my ass just right.
I learned two things that night: first, my friend is nuts; second, this area has a weird obsession with drunken animals.
In the interest of protecting the guilty, I will refer to this friend from here on as Yule-lee-a. That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Yuleleea told me to meet her at the Tipsy Turtle and gave me directions. Of course, I got lost and when I stopped twice to ask for directions I asked for the Thirsty Turtle. You'd think a bar with turtle in the name would stand out to anyone, no matter what you call the first part, but noooo! People looked at me like I was out of my mind and told me they had no idea what I was talking about. By pure chance and just as I was ready to give up and go home, I found the bar. There it sat on a crazy side road like a beacon of light on a dark dreary night, with angels sounding off the promise of cold alcohol ahead. Honestly, I think I nearly had an out of body experience.
As I finally walked into the bar, Yuleleea was inside waiting for me and started introducing me to her other friends. The night was finally looking up! We were having a good time and everything was happening much like you'd expect it to happen...to a normal person. Then somebody suggested we head to another bar...The Leaping Lizard. I was fine with that and jumped into Yuleleea's car to ride with her. She being the kind soul she is was nice enough to drive so I could continue my intoxication. At the time, I didn't realize Yuleleea has a serious anger issue with reptiles that she carries with her as she leaves the bar.
We had a great time! I even met two guys from home that were here visiting for some reason. I was three sheets to the wind at that point, so I can't remember who they were or why they were visiting, but my drunken ass thought it was wonderful.
This is where it gets weird. I'm nearly positive that when we headed to the Leaping Lizard that it was only Yuleleea and myself in her car. On the way out, we had eight. The guys from home, and most of the people that had come with us from the turtle bar. Three of us, including me, were in the front and one of her friends was driving. Four people smooshed into the backseat and Yuleleea laid across them.
It was strange, but off we went. By off I mean we drove about five blocks when one of us in the front needed a light. So we turned on her interior lights and couldn't make them turn off. So, like any bunch of idiots, we kept hitting the lights sure this time would really turn them off. That changed of course when Yuleleea went absolutely batshit and started screaming (and I mean to tell you s-c-r-e-a-m-i-n-g!!) “IT'S FUCKING THEATHER LIGHTING! JUST STOP FUCKING TOUCHING IT! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCK!” I don't clearly remember the rest of it, but she said...errr...screamed fuck A LOT! Right up to the point when she finally screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! GET! OUT! NOW!” So, the guy driving pulled over in front of a Turkey Hill and we all got out. She was still cursing a blue streak when she got in the drivers seat. She must have driven around the block, because it wasn't more than two minutes later she pulled back around and opened her window and screamed, “MICHELE, GET THE FUCK BACK IN THIS CAR! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE!” I remember feeling like a deer in the headlights. She seemed well, umm, insane. I remember looking at the guy who'd been driving and asking him if he'd be able to tell me how to get back home. He told me he'd get me taken care of and I told her no and hid behind him.
She pulled away and that guy finally tracked someone down to give us a ride. Next thing I know, I'm in a truck bed...yes, seven of us in a truck bed at 3:30 in the morning...with near perfect strangers dropping off the guys from home at the lizard bar and the rest of us are headed back to the turtle bar to get my car. At this point, it's well past 4am, I've long since sobered up. Shock will do that to you. But, I let the guy who had been driving her car drive mine to take everyone home. Then we got to his house and he insisted I come inside for a soda or something. I finally relented and went in for a drink and he wrote directions down and off I went. I'm still not sure why he didn't just tell me the directions from the car because they consisted of approximately four steps. I finally got home at about 6am, and wasn't sure I ever wanted to either go to work or go out ever again.
The next morning my phone rang and it was Yuleleea sounding very hungover and very apologetic. I accepted and she's still one of my best friends. As our friendship grew, we continued to go out nearly every Friday (though I've never stepped near another place with even a hint of reptile with her again) to the Chicken Coop (they love drunk animals here people!). It was at the Chicken Coop that we were dubbed Cinderella and Anastasia which led to many more stories worthy of sharing, which someday I will do. Hopefully, you won't be bitterly disappointed by the lack of f-bombs in future memories :)
I learned two things that night: first, my friend is nuts; second, this area has a weird obsession with drunken animals.
In the interest of protecting the guilty, I will refer to this friend from here on as Yule-lee-a. That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Yuleleea told me to meet her at the Tipsy Turtle and gave me directions. Of course, I got lost and when I stopped twice to ask for directions I asked for the Thirsty Turtle. You'd think a bar with turtle in the name would stand out to anyone, no matter what you call the first part, but noooo! People looked at me like I was out of my mind and told me they had no idea what I was talking about. By pure chance and just as I was ready to give up and go home, I found the bar. There it sat on a crazy side road like a beacon of light on a dark dreary night, with angels sounding off the promise of cold alcohol ahead. Honestly, I think I nearly had an out of body experience.
As I finally walked into the bar, Yuleleea was inside waiting for me and started introducing me to her other friends. The night was finally looking up! We were having a good time and everything was happening much like you'd expect it to happen...to a normal person. Then somebody suggested we head to another bar...The Leaping Lizard. I was fine with that and jumped into Yuleleea's car to ride with her. She being the kind soul she is was nice enough to drive so I could continue my intoxication. At the time, I didn't realize Yuleleea has a serious anger issue with reptiles that she carries with her as she leaves the bar.
We had a great time! I even met two guys from home that were here visiting for some reason. I was three sheets to the wind at that point, so I can't remember who they were or why they were visiting, but my drunken ass thought it was wonderful.
This is where it gets weird. I'm nearly positive that when we headed to the Leaping Lizard that it was only Yuleleea and myself in her car. On the way out, we had eight. The guys from home, and most of the people that had come with us from the turtle bar. Three of us, including me, were in the front and one of her friends was driving. Four people smooshed into the backseat and Yuleleea laid across them.
It was strange, but off we went. By off I mean we drove about five blocks when one of us in the front needed a light. So we turned on her interior lights and couldn't make them turn off. So, like any bunch of idiots, we kept hitting the lights sure this time would really turn them off. That changed of course when Yuleleea went absolutely batshit and started screaming (and I mean to tell you s-c-r-e-a-m-i-n-g!!) “IT'S FUCKING THEATHER LIGHTING! JUST STOP FUCKING TOUCHING IT! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCK!” I don't clearly remember the rest of it, but she said...errr...screamed fuck A LOT! Right up to the point when she finally screamed “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! GET! OUT! NOW!” So, the guy driving pulled over in front of a Turkey Hill and we all got out. She was still cursing a blue streak when she got in the drivers seat. She must have driven around the block, because it wasn't more than two minutes later she pulled back around and opened her window and screamed, “MICHELE, GET THE FUCK BACK IN THIS CAR! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE!” I remember feeling like a deer in the headlights. She seemed well, umm, insane. I remember looking at the guy who'd been driving and asking him if he'd be able to tell me how to get back home. He told me he'd get me taken care of and I told her no and hid behind him.
She pulled away and that guy finally tracked someone down to give us a ride. Next thing I know, I'm in a truck bed...yes, seven of us in a truck bed at 3:30 in the morning...with near perfect strangers dropping off the guys from home at the lizard bar and the rest of us are headed back to the turtle bar to get my car. At this point, it's well past 4am, I've long since sobered up. Shock will do that to you. But, I let the guy who had been driving her car drive mine to take everyone home. Then we got to his house and he insisted I come inside for a soda or something. I finally relented and went in for a drink and he wrote directions down and off I went. I'm still not sure why he didn't just tell me the directions from the car because they consisted of approximately four steps. I finally got home at about 6am, and wasn't sure I ever wanted to either go to work or go out ever again.
The next morning my phone rang and it was Yuleleea sounding very hungover and very apologetic. I accepted and she's still one of my best friends. As our friendship grew, we continued to go out nearly every Friday (though I've never stepped near another place with even a hint of reptile with her again) to the Chicken Coop (they love drunk animals here people!). It was at the Chicken Coop that we were dubbed Cinderella and Anastasia which led to many more stories worthy of sharing, which someday I will do. Hopefully, you won't be bitterly disappointed by the lack of f-bombs in future memories :)
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