Facebook Flirting

Occasionally, I'm relatively certain the universe has put me here as a lesson to others; how NOT to date, how NOT to walk, and how NOT to think clearly are perfect examples of what I mean. This week has been no exception to my 'do not do' list. It even added a new category for me -- how not to accept friend requests on Facebook.

 I understand that dating online is quite common, and even searching for a mate on a site like facebook is getting to be pretty common. In some cases, I can even understand why it would work. What I can't understand is how, even when I'm away from my computer and miles and miles away from a person sending a friend request, the crazy still seems to find me.

 Take, for example, the request I got from some guy in Hazleton a few months ago. (I'm going to try to reconstruct his message from memory, but my 3 year old niece constructs better sentences than he did, so it will be rough) His accompanying email read something to the effect 'am looking for girl of dreams. I live Hazelton and you are close. You look pretty. Do not drive but willing to learn for girl who likes parents.' I've since thought about him and wondered if I had accepted his friend request would I have had to like all parents??, my parents??, his??, and how does driving tie in to liking a planet full of parents? Dammit!! I do not like ALL parents! It would have never worked. That was plenty crazy for me I thought.

 I should always accept that if it can't get any crazier, in my world it can. And it did.

 This weekend I received a friend request from a nutjob who called me Miss Passion. I was so put off by those two words that the rest of the email didn't really sink in until I went back and re-read it today.

 It reads: "I do have that passion you so desire, you dream about, you wish you could find. I am a romantic, who believe in the art of touch, warm oil, cuddling and soft kisses. Am here un Pittston for the next 22 hours, staying at the beautiful Walmart? V Come cuddle the time away with a true romantic, who you aren't going to let go of, once he touches you. So are you spontaneous, are you going to find the love if your life???? Not it you stay home are you Come spend the night, you and I.... This is not a booty call my dear. I have no expectation of sex, Miss Passion. So this is not a sexual letter. Waiting for you to sneak under my covers" 

 Oh yes, it can always get crazier. I did not accept his request, which did not deter him from sending a couple of follow up emails asking if I was coming, then another saying giggle giggle, you'll never find what you don't know you need if you never leave your house.

 I finally responded to that to say "funny, but whether I know it or not, I feel safe assuming what I need isn't in a parking lot for 22 hours at a time calling walmart beautiful and perfect strangers miss passion, but good luck finding a mate by calling her 'chicken'".

 During a couple of conversations with friends today I decided two things. First, I'd really like to see this weirdo write a dating advice column. I'd like to see it gain popularity. I'd really like to wake up knowing there is going to be some kind of ludicrous advice for me to laugh at each day. Second, I wondered if there's a chance I could make money from my propensity for attracting the extreme oddities in life? I could offer a service! Do YOU need to know if you're date is a raving lunatic? Allow me a few moments, I will mete out any possible insanity to be found! This extraordinary service can be yours for the low, low price of (really, how do you put a price on knowing that your date isn't going to tie you up, cover you in corn syrup, and make you watch a Benny Hill festival all while dancing the tango with a teddy bear in his mother's old heels?!) This may just be my calling! So, who's looking for a sure fire way to be sure their potential mate shouldn't be in a straight jacket? :)