Does this silverware make my bag look big?

Earlier this week I was lucky enough to have lunch with “Ethan and Jamie”, a couple of friends whom I rarely get to see. While I already knew Ethan and Jamie were great go to people for a smile or a laugh, I finally discovered they are all out comedians throwing out special clues for the clueless that they had bestowed upon me sugar packets and a pepper shaker from the restaurant at which we dined.

Not only do I feel special because they felt a need to give me a present so strongly that they were willing to attack random passersby like crazed drunken monkeys to rob them of their worldly possessions to ensure I wouldn't have to go without (or at least lift condiments that may come in very handy), I am also struck with a need to write down memory lane.

I'm not a normal person. Those of you who know me have already figured that out. I've got a sense of humor all over the map and love a great prank. However, me being who I am, I am usually terrible...TERRIBLE...at pulling them off myself; I'm even worse if it involves me talking - either because I get so excited for the prank that I start tripping over my tongue or I start laughing uncontrollably and blow it. There are a few stand out exceptions to that rule though. In fact, there is one that I pulled off so well, I still feel mildly guilty for it.

As I was driving to work one day one of my part time employees called me. The conversation went something like this:

“Dan”, “Michele, I need to to call Janet and completely destroy her mental state for at least the next year” (Ok, ok...it may have been something more along the lines of “Michele, will you help me pull a stunt on a friend of mine?” But, as you will soon learn this became something to destroy her mind and reached far beyond anything I could have imagined)

Me, “What do you want?”

Dan, “Call this girl and pretend to be from Unnamed restaurant, tell her you know she stole silverware and that you want to press changes.”

Me, “Um...did she steal silverware?”

Dan, “Of course not, I put it in her purse and she yelled at me when she found it after we got home. She shouldn't have yelled at me.”

Me, “ I'm really bad at things like this, but what's her number?”

You would have thought he'd just won the lottery rather than roping me into a silly prank. He went on to tell me that it wasn't only silverware, but a glass and a couple of dishes too. (Her purse must be a suitcase) He also told me she paid by credit card and that could be my explanation as to how I got her phone number.

You'll probably realize too that even the people that work for me have figured out that something is just a wee bit off center in matters concerning Michele.

I took a couple of deep breaths and dialed her number. That was when I received my first shock.

Ring ring!

Unknown person, “Hello, thanks for calling Unnamed business, how may I help you?”

(THAT FUCKER GAVE ME A BUSINESS NUMBER?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?!?)

Me, calmly, possibly squeaky, “Hello, may I speak to 'Janet please”

Holding...boring music...

Janet, “Hello, this is Janet”

Me, “Janet, this is Michele from Unnamed Restaurant, I'm calling about a small problem we discovered after your dinner last night.”

Silence.

“Janet, we discovered a number of items missing from your table as it was cleaned. We pulled your credit card information and video cameras clearly show particular items disappearing from your table throughout the course of the meal. The manager on duty last night wanted to call the police to press charges but called me first per company policy. I told him I'd contact you and give you the opportunity to return or pay for the missing items before we move to press charges.”

I actually said ALL OF IT without once cracking up in ridiculous laughter!! I was so proud for about three seconds--

Janet, SOBBING (I'm talking gasping for breath, snot rolling down her face crying...I nearly stopped right there and hung up) “but I didn't take anything”

Me, “Video shows otherwise Janet.”

Janet, crying still, but with venom, “Well, then you better call my friend Dan, he must have taken it and I didn't know what he was doing his number is 000-0000”

(OH MY GOD, SHE JUST RATTED HIM OUT!!!)

Me, “Well, I will try to give him a call, but I will tell you now that if someone isn't here to return the stolen items or make payment for the items by the end of my shift at 6:00 I will be forced to involve the police.”

Janet, near hysteria, “Ok, I'm gonna kill that asshole!”

I called Dan back and told him how the conversation went and then begged him to call her right then and tell her it was a joke. I felt B.A.D. Bad bad.

He agreed. Prank over. So I thought.

I called him a few hours later to see how she took the news. His response? “Are you fucking kidding me? She sold me up the river!!” He then went on to tell me that she had called him and was a total basket case and was screaming at him that he better get there now, the stuff had to be returned.

His solution? He went to pick her up, she had a bag full of the stuff he'd put in her purse, and demanded he be the one to take it in and return it to...well, me. He got her into the car, they drove to the restaurant, which is on a main highway in town, asked her for the bag as they got close, and threw it out the window and into the lawn as they drove past. He told me at that moment he was sure she was going to kill him.

I felt even worse. I begged him to tell her it was a sick joke. He finally caved a couple of days later and told her that it was all a joke, he got his boss to make that call. Told her the name I used, told her the story I used. And the real kicker is that she REFUSED to believe him. To this day, that woman still does not believe that she was the victim of an insane crank call.

Quite honestly, knowing this guy like I do, I would expect anything as insane as this kind of phone call after spending a few hours with him to be a sick joke. I would probably be sitting in jail waiting for a bail hearing wondering just when Dan would appear to point and laugh. In the end, I feel much better about it. If she's that determined to believe, who am I to feel bad for letting her?

So tell me. Can you top this? I thought the phone call was a winner. I would have stopped there. But throwing the dishes out the window? I am in awe.